I put a binder on and took it off again. 3 times. My brain was spinning.
People think I'm doing this for attention
People think this is a marketing ploy
this is not real if I feel ok choosing day to day if I want to wear a binder
I'm appropriating because I can wear a "regular" bra and also be fine
Gah! Fuck it.
I went through this almost every time I tried to wear a binder for at least a year.
As someone who didn't question their gender growing up, doesn't have intense body or gender dysphoria, and since (as it tends to happen in my life) my career interests proceeded my personal evolution and I was working a lot with trans/gnc folks, I was extremely worried that asserting my nonbinary identity in any way would come with community members pointing fingers at me saying "FRAUD!"
Spoiler alert: This didn't happen
In fact, nothing bad happened at all. My gender evolution has felt like a slow stretch in the morning, like a gentle waking up and loosening/expansion. I'm lucky in that way. But that luck also made me feel like I wasn't trans enough to claim any identity beside cisgender.
I hear this question a lot from my clients: Am I trans?
After digging in over and over, it's often the case that underneath that question are a couple layers that go something like:
Am I trans enough?
Am I enough?
Let me assure you. You are enough.
What I want most for you is to know, deep deep down, that there is enough space [infinite space] for you and your gender identity and expression.
You being the most authentic, turned on ("buzzy"), audacious version of yourself is NOT taking anything away from other folks who fall under the trans umbrella whose identities and narrative might be more binary, more traditionally feminine or masculine, or just different from yours.
It is NOT taking away from others and doesn't invalidate your trans identity or experience to:
not know from an early age that you were trans/non-binary
not experience strong body and/or gender dysphoria
want to keep more masculine or feminine parts of yourself no matter what your gender identity
My challenge to you is to notice when those fraudy feelings come up. Just notice. You don't have to do anything with them. And take up space anyway. Own your identity. Your experience doesn't have to be the same as others to be valid.
You're enough. I promise.
PS-I think you're magic